How to Talk to your Children about Pet Loss
We all wish our pets would live forever! No matter our best efforts, death is a part of life that every living creature will face. As immensley sad as losing a pet is, it is important to accept it and prepare ourselves and our children as best we can. It’s natural as parents to want to protect our children from sadness, fear & seeing you cry. However, pet loss grief counselor and author Leigh Ann Gerk MA, LPC, PLGC, says is best not to shelter your children from pet loss, rather she encourages parents to discuss and include children in the experience of pet loss.
“Pet loss is a golden opportunity to teach your children about love, loss, and healthy grieving. Allowing children to see your tears & sadness reflects real life emotions and gives them permission to openly express their own.”~Leigh Ann Gerk
Because pets age much faster than humans, we enjoy the fullness of their life, and face their passing more quickly too. For many children, the loss of a pet may be the first close loss they have experienced, which leaves a lasting impact. Pets are truly a part of the family: We spend time with them, share our home with them, eat and often even sleep with them! Pets are a constant source of unconditional love and companionship. A recent study showed that even years after their pet's passing, some children still intensely felt the loss and described the loss as “the worst day of their lives.”
I clearly remember losing my first pet, our elderly miniature schnauzer, Tinker. Tinker was my buddy at home. Tinker was always there to greet me at the door, we played together, slept together, we did everything together! I was 9 years old, Tinker was 13 years old, she was with me my whole life up to until this point. Tinker passed when I was 9 years old & I bawled for days, even missing a rare day of school because I couldn’t stop crying. As a child, my mom cried with me, held me, and comforted me. We looked at pictures, laughed over stories of her, and planted a flowering bush in the backyard in honor of her. My mom found a pound puppy stuffed animal that I took to bed with me after Tinker passed; this made bedtime a little easier. It was an intense time and also a pivotal time as a child. Growing up, that experience made me realize that pets are family and life is a gift to be cherished; I was now able to relate to others and comfort others also experiencing pet loss. Although difficult, grieving Tinker was an important experience that I’m grateful my mom didn’t exclude me from.
Realizing the impact of pet loss on our children, Leigh Ann stresses the importance of including your children during the loss of a pet.
“Children are often quiet observers. They sense when something has changed within your home. They notice that "Oliver" sleeps more than he used to and doesn't like to play anymore. They may also notice that you are suddenly giving Oliver a lot of medicine or that you seem more preoccupied and tired than usual.”
It’s important that children understand that their pet is ailing and that the process of passing on will be gentle/ was gentle if it already occurred. Leigh Ann describes that children have vivid imaginations and they will often imagine that the loss will be or was much worse than what it was or will be in reality. Be honest with your children about their pet’s struggles and use terms your children can understand based upon their age.
Here is a sample conversation that can be used to help frame your discussions with your children. Modify the verb tenses based upon if your pet already was euthanasized or if euthanasia is planned in the future:
“Oliver (insert your pet) is sick and we want to help him not hurt anymore.
The doctor will give Oliver a special shot that will take away all of his pain. This special shot is not one you or I would ever get but will help Oliver be comfortable and peaceful.
Oliver will not hurt or be scared.
We won’t see Oliver anymore but he will always be in our hearts.
Oliver thanks us for helping him. We gave him a gift so he is not hurting anymore.”
If able, Leigh Ann recommends in general giving children a choice to be present for pet euthanasia. As parents, you know your children best. The process of euthanasia is generally quite peaceful when a specially trained hospice and palliative care veterinarian is helping your pet cross over, click here to find a veterinarian hospice provider, specially trained in making the process and experience of euthanasia gentle for your pet and your family.
Special thanks to contributing author, Leigh Ann Gerk, MA, LPC, PLGC. Leigh Ann is founder of Mourning to Light Pet Loss, LLC a counseling service devoted to walking beside and guiding heartbroken families through the difficult journey of losing their beloved pets. She is author of Dear Brave Friend, a story about the love between a boy and his dog, and the sadness that follows after his dog passes away. Written in the form of a letter from the dog to the boy, the letter shares relatable, real life examples of how the boy (and therefore anybody who has lost a dear pet) may be feeling and suggestions on what he can do to help himself get through this most difficult time.